(RUBBERNECKIN' PLAYING)
All right, all right. All right, all right.
Never
say
no.
Well, this is kingman's defining moment, Marv.
If they win, they guarantee themselves a spot in the playoffs.
Everybody get on the king's back
and I'm going to lead you to the promised land.
- All right? On one, on one. Ready? - Break!
MAN 1: Go deep. MAN 2: Watch your left!
Let's go!
Pick him up. Pick him up.
Sanders. Sanders.
(BARKING ORDERS)
Go wide!
Hut-hut!
Hut!
COMMENTATOR 1: All right, here's Kingman. Drops back in the pocket.
He's got Sanders wide open in the end zone.
Kingman is on the run. He's inside the five.
He stiff-arms. It's the Kingman swing.
And he is in! Touchdown, Rebels. They've won it.
COMMENTATOR 2: What a tremendous play by Kingman, Marv.
But I have to wonder, yesterday he was...
The king does it again!
(JAILHOUSE ROCK PLAYING)
- Go Joe! - Go Joe!
- Never say no! - Never say no!
Yeah!
(CHEERING)
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
WOMAN ON RADIO: WZPZ FM.
Hey, Boston. Happy New Year. And a special shout out to our Rebels.
Don't party too hard, boys.
You're going to need all your strength to bring home that championship.
- Enjoy your drink. - To us.
Hope it's okay.
I'm telling you guys, these aren't the normal onion rings.
They got garlic and mint leaves. I mean, like, beluga caviar.
Hey, Coop. Coop, check it out.
- See the hottie? 12 o'clock, tan dress? - Oh, yeah.
I think she said you have a killer smile, bro.
I do.
You should go talk to her.
- You think so? - I know so. Come on.
Get in there. Get in there. Whoa, whoa, whoa, swamp mouth.
Use some of this. Chicks dig it.
- Webber, you got a pen? - Why?
Because you might want to take some notes.
(CHATTERING)
What's up?
(SPIKE BARKS)
Webber!
I told you, they bumped up shoot. I have to catch last flight to Paris.
But Tatianna will miss you.
The king doesn't want his queen to miss him too much.
So I got you a little something special.
(GASPS)
- Close your eyes. - Okay.
Tatianna, Tatianna. Which one? Which one?
No peeking.
Dreams are on Joe tonight, honey.
(GASPS)
Happy New Year.
- (EXCLAIMS) Channel? - Or Chanel.
JOE: Whoa, Sanders. Where you going?
Just past your bedtime?
Yeah, well, you know, it's New Year's Eve.
Want to go home, hug the wife, kiss the kids.
All right, thanks for coming. Happy New Year.
- All right, Happy New Year. - All right, see you at practice.
All right, see you.
All right, Joe. Come on, it's real funny.
Now, just give me back the wallet, all right?
I'm looking to confiscate Sanders' man card,
but his wife, Maria, has already done it.
- Yes, really... - Come on. Get a life, Sanders.
Oh, you call this "life"? That ain't life, Joe.
- Whatever. - He's mad. That was funny, man.
- Who's ready to party? - I am.
ALL: Party!
Yeah!
Where can I get a man card?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
- Why? The night is still young! - We can walk Spike.
- Play the guitars, Joe. Come on. - We were just bonding.
- I love that idea. - We're starting to jell.
- Call me. - Joe...
We were doing so good.
Hey, Spike. There's my boy. Haven't seen you all night.
Do you know who the greatest quarterback of all time is?
Just checking. Let's go! Huddle up!
(PANTING)
Can you feel it? Can you smell it? Do you believe it?
Z-slant Mississippi! On three. Ready? Break! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Come on, Spike. We need a football biscuit.
(SPIKE BARKS)
Oh, that's a good one. Oh, this is a good one.
Kingman drops back, he's... Oh, defenders are coming around.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Post pattern, Spike. Post pattern.
(SPIKE BARKS)
He throws.
Touchdown! They're going crazy.
Crazy.
(SIGHS)
Gracias, Rosa. Enjoy your vacation.
What do you want to do, Spike? What do you want to do today?
It's a new year.
You want to play football? You want to go for a walk?
You want to watch the new ESPN special profile on Joe kingman?
I know you do. Me, too. Watch. Watch. Here we go.
Attaboy.
Blessed with crazy strength and ridiculous agility...
Ridiculous.
... Joe Kingman could have succeeded on talent alone.
But what really sets this future hall-of-famer apart
is his passion for the game.
And no one sums it up better than Joe himself.
- Wait a minute, that's not what I said. - Listen, listen.
- What I said was this. Life... - Life...
- ... holds many pleasures for me. ...holds many pleasures for me.
- But... - But...
- ... nothing... ...nothing...
- ... nothing beats the thrill... ...nothing beats the thrill...
- ... of playing on that field... ...of playing on that field...
- ... every Sunday. ...every Sunday.
- Football is my life. - Football is my life.
- Beyond the field... - Beyond the field...
- ... nothing else matters. ...nothing else matters. Watch this.
Nothing.
If nothing else really matters,
why does that championship ring elude Kingman?
Some of the experts say it's because he's too selfish.
I mean, think about it...
(FORWARDING TAPE)
(MOCKING)
How does that sound, Stuey?
Joe, you're a 30-something now, not a 20-something.
The clock is ticking, Joe. Ticking on your career.
Blah, blah, blah...
You come talk to me when you have your own action figure, Stuey.
(PHONE RINGING)
- Yeah? - LARRY: Pardon me, Mr. Kingman.
I have a visitor here at reception.
- A Peyton Kelly, sir. - I don't know any Peytons.
A young lady.
- Is she cute? - Oh, exceedingly so, sir.
Well, what are you waiting for, Larry? Send her up.
He never says "no."
(DOORBELL RINGING)
I am the king. Thank you very much.
Hmm.
Look out.
Hello.
- Goodbye. - PEYTON: Hey!
Look, kid, I don't do Girl Scout cookies, okay?
You don't get abs like these
eating Peanut Butter Patties, you know?
Go ahead, hit me. Come on! Give it a shot. Come on.
(LAUGHING)
It's ridiculous, isn't it?
Bye-bye.
It's ridiculous.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I don't know what it is you're selling. Look what I have, here's a hundo.
I don't want any money. I want...
I know. I know what you want. I get it. It's what the world wants.
An autograph of Joe kingman. They all want it, eight to 80.
You'll probably go sell it, but I'm going to give it to you for free.
Because I'm Joe kingman, humanitarian.
Happy New Year. I'll be right back.
You have a bulldog. Come here, boy.
You're so cute.
(EXCLAIMING)
Easy, easy. He's a very vicious attack dog.
Yeah. He's going to lick me to death.
Listen, you just can't come walking into strangers' homes like this.
There are a lot of weirdos out there in the world.
- Didn't your mom ever teach you that? - Yeah.
- Well, where is she? - On an airplane.
On an airplane? Well, who are you here with?
My father.
Well, you better go get him, because I'm sure he's looking for you.
- He's not looking for me. - How do you know?
Because he's looking at me.
What?
Hi, we've never met before. You were married to my mom, Sara.
Sara kelly?
My name is Peyton. I'm your daughter.
(EXHALES)
No. No. Nope. No!
No. Time out. Sara and I never had a kid.
- She wrote you a note. - Wrote me a note.
(SCOFFS)
"Joe, I know this is a big surprise, but Peyton is your daughter.
"I need you to watch her for a month. It's an emergency.
"I'll explain everything when I get back. Sara."
You sure got a lot of pictures of yourself in here.
You expect me to believe you're my kid, based on this?
- Anybody could have written this. - Oh, yeah.
(JOE SCOFFS)
I've also got this. It's my birth certificate.
Birth certificate?
- Your name is on it. - (CHUCKLING) My name is...
My name?
Awesome!
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Ready? Break!
My name's not on this.
"Joseph kingman."
(SPEED-DIALING)
Hut! Hut! Hut!
- We've got a situation. - Touchdown!
Fix it.
Oh!
Don't you think you should have told me about this?
- I didn't know. - You didn't know you had an ex-wife?
That was a long time ago. We were crazy in love, but too young.
Didn't even last longer than a year, and we never had a baby.
Okay, but for argument's sake,
is there the teeniest, tiniest possibility that this child could be yours?
Think hard.
(STAMMERING) I don't know.
We got the separation, the divorce was final,
she came by to pick up a few of her things and then we...
(STUTTERING) We...
Is anyone else hungry?
- Hungry? - Joe...
When did this, "We... We... Is anyone else hungry" happen?
About eight, nine years ago.
- How old are you, kid? - Eight.
Congratulations, Joe.
This isn't happening to me.
(SPIKE WAILING)
Muffin, just talk to your Auntie Stella.
Hmm?
It says here that your mom is not coming back for a month.
She's on her way to Africa.
What kind of a selfish, self-centered person dumps their kid...
She's on a water sanitation project bringing fresh drinking water
to the drought-ravaged children of the Sudan.
If I had a dime for every time I heard that one.
So on her way to save the world,
your mom just suddenly decided to leave you here?
I begged her. I said, "Well, why don't I stay with my father?"
And she said, "Well, baby, he doesn't know about you yet." And I said...
I get it. I get it. So, who else can you stay with?
I got it. I got it. I'm a genius.
Sara has a sister.
Goombah, Grip, Grime... Carmen!
- Karen. - Karen. What about her?
She's...
She's dead.
Oh, that's convenient.
What?
How do we get in touch with your mom?
- Her cell won't work in kassala. - Email?
They don't have Internet there.
How did you get here again?
We flew to Boston together, and then she put me in a car.
And the car just magically dropped you off at some man's house?
- Not some man. My father. - So you say.
- Want a paternity test? - Yes. That's a great idea.
Let's do that. No problem.
I don't like needles. So if they don't take blood, no problem.
Not in the middle of negotiating our Fanny's deal, it's not.
These things never stay quiet, trust me.
If she does turn out to be yours,
you'll look like a guy who had a kid and ditched her
and you can kiss your mega-bucks goodbye.
- Stella. - Hmm.
We don't even look alike.
Oh, no. Not at all.
- Thanks a lot for the heads up, Larry. - Hey, I told you she was cute.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
I'm late.
(GULPS)
Let's go. No huddle.
- No back seat. - So what? Get in the car.
If you get in an accident, the air bag will hurt me.
Oh, come on, I don't have time for the safety lesson, please!
Come here.
(HORNS HONKLNG)
So late.
I've got four weeks to make up for eight years,
so let's get started, shall we?
I'm going to ask you some questions
and you're going to give me some answers, okay?
Now, for example,
if you asked me what my favorite thing to do was, I would say ballet.
So what's your favorite thing to do?
That's easy. Play football.
Football.
(HONKS HORN)
Come on!
If you could only save one thing in a fire, what would it be?
My Heisman.
No, wait... I know.
My limited edition Joe kingman sneakers.
Come on, horseradish. No more questions.
Just one more question.
What's the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Listen, I got a question for you.
Why didn't your mom just bring you here herself?
Want a cookie?
No, I don't want a cookie. Stop trying to change the subject.
But you said you were hungry.
- And I made them special for you. - Fine, fine.
- Now, about your mom. - I told you, it was last-minute.
I just can't believe that the Sara I knew
would just let her daughter show up at my doorstep alone.
(COUGHS)
I know what happened.
- You do? - Yeah.
(COUGHING)
- She's gained a lot of weight. - No.
What's she pushing now? About 180?
Deuce?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(SLURRING) Let's go.
What do you think, you're some roaming free safety or something?
This is "cover-two," little lady, so stay close.
Are you okay?
Do I sound okay? What did you put in those cookies?
- Milk, flour, eggs and cinnamon... - Cinnamon!
Cinnamon? I'm allergic to cinnamon.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - All you got to say is, "I'm sorry"?
I sound like this, "I'm sorry"? Cinnamon!
I'm allergic to nuts.
Joe. Joe, don't forget I got that publicity shoot set up for you today.
- You have to be there this time. - I'll be there.
What do you think, I'm stupid or something?
Stop touching me.
Stop eating so much.
- You're late, Joe. That's a $500 fine. - Start a tab.
Hey, sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.
King's here, Danville. I got it. King's here.
Get a submarine sandwich and a diet soda.
All right, let's go. Sixty-six seam, slot left on three, on three. Ready?
(SLURRING) Suffering succotash, Sylvester,
something seems to be wrong with your mouth.
I said sixty-six, slot seam left on three. On three. Ready?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, Joe. Looks like you got a rogue fan.
- I'm not a fan. I'm Joe's daughter. - What's everybody staring at?
I didn't know Joe had a kid.
Yo, I don't think Joe knew Joe had a kid.
(EXCLAIMS)
- Stay here. - (SLURRING) Yes, sir.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(MUMBLES)
Hat.
Give me this!
Here's what you got to read right there. You all set?
Here we go. And three, two, one... Go!
Boston Rebels! Experience the heat!
(BEEPING)
Boston Rebels! Catch the magic.
Boston Rebels! Feel the... Wait a minute. Who writes this?
(CHUCkLES)
Hey, let's get Joe. He won't be expecting it.
We'll put ice in his bath.
Coop, look. Look real close.
Joe is in an ice bath.
- Well, we'll put colder ice in it. - Glove.
Yeah.
Webber, think about this.
Big surprise, eh, kingman?
More like a safety blitz.
Yeah, well, you should be happy.
I remember how happy I was when my kids were born.
JOE: Yeah, but you knew they were coming.
Yeah, well, either way, she's here now.
What's your name, sweetheart?
- Peyton. - Peyton, that's cute.
- Hi, Peyton. - Hi.
Oh, that's cool. Like... Like, Peyton Manning?
No, dude. It's like Walter Payton, right?
No. Peyton Rous.
- Who's that? - He won the Nobel Prize.
For what team?
In medicine.
He's not even a football player. That's stupid.
"Stupid" is a mean word.
- No, it isn't. - Yes, it is.
- Isn't. - Is!
JOE: Quiet. Both of you.
(GROWLS)
Step away from my pants.
Awkward.
Hey, sweetie, it's okay.
See, those are Monroe's very special underwear.
You see, he needs to wear them every game,
- or he thinks we won't win. - Oh.
(JOE CHATTERING ON TV)
Hey, I'm on Sports Center again.
I'm hungry.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Please don't touch anything. Stand right here.
Tonight's Tuesday. We're going to carbo-Ioad.
Twenty-twenty-sixty ratio.
What?
Hey, do you have any Jell-O? I want some Jell-O.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Like I said, please don't touch. Fingerprints. I don't like fingerprints.
Stand right here, don't do anything.
I'm not giving you 28 grams of empty carbohydrates.
We do not do simple sugars in this house.
But I'm a kid and kids love sugar. I mean, the simpler the better.
Well, my dad never let me have sugar.
Oh, is that why you never smile?
Mmm.
(SLURPING)
Listen, you better eat your food before it gets cold.
But it's as big as a mountain.
Listen, if you're going to make the pros, you have to get your appetite up.
Let's go. Eat.
You got a little...
- A little something right here. - What?
I got what?
I'm going to go and wash the dishes.
You can eat.
And finish eating.
I don't have a guest room because I don't like guests.
But you can sleep here.
- What's this? - That is a universal remote.
It controls the world. And you don't need to touch it.
What's the "romance" button for?
The romance button is for a little Valentine's Day magic.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(JOE EXCLAIMING)
Turn... Turn this off. Turn it off. Turn it off.
(LAUGHING)
Turn it off. Press the button. Turn it off.
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MACHINERY WHIRRING)
Stop touching things.
Aren't you going to tell me a bedtime story?
Bedtime story... Bedtime story.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Yeah.
The Big Bad Wolf
blew down the Grammy's house
and ate the Goldilocks
and then there was something about the porridge.
The end.
Good night.
I mean a real bedtime story, Joe.
(SIGHS)
A bedtime story is supposed to make you feel peaceful.
I'll show you.
Lean back, relax, and listen to the story.
Fine. Fine. I'm going to listen to this one time, then that's it.
Then you go to sleep. Do you understand me?
Once upon a time there was a princess
and she had a lot of beautiful dresses.
She had a pink dress, a red dress,
a blue dress, a green dress, a purple dress,
- an orange dress, a yellow dress... - I get it. I get it. I get it.
A lot of dresses, a lot of colors. So what?
So each dress had a secret power.
The pink dress, which had pink sparkles all over it,
could make her fly.
And the blue dress, which had blue sparkles all over it,
could make her tiny.
And the green dress, which had green sparkles all over it,
could make her sleep.
(SIGHS)
(SNORING)
Whoa!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey, baby.
Why didn't you answer me when I called?
I was starting to get worried.
I'm sorry. I forgot I had my phone turned off from the flight.
Well, I'm just happy that you got there safely. So, how's it going?
Great. Well, the food's not so hot, but my room is huge.
Well, that's very cool, but how's the ballet?
I mean, is it as good as they promised?
Too soon to tell.
Hey, listen, sweetie, it's almost time for my flight to take off,
but I will call you as soon as I can, okay?
I miss you so much already.
E-mail me lots of pictures. And Peyton, I love you.
I love you, too. Bye.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Is there a ballet school close by?
(GASPS)
(GROANS)
(SIGHS)
Spike?
Why is my dog in a dress with pink nail polish?
He's learning Swan Lake.
(SIGHING)
Do you know how to fix a ballerina bun?
Do I look like I know how to fix a ballerina bun?
(CRACKLNG KNUCKLES)
My mom says we're not supposed to pop our knuckles.
Well, your mom didn't sleep on a hard sofa
instead of her specially designed $10,000 orthopedic bed
made by Dr. Johan Gustavo, of Switzerland.
(CRACKS KNUCKLES)
- What's... What's with the Beethoven? - It's Tchaikovsky.
- Do you listen to this every morning? - No.
Sometimes I listen to Bach, or Rachmaninoff...
(EXCLAIMING)
Do you have an iPod?
Because I'm going to buy you one. Immediately. Right now.
I'm going to buy you an iPod.
(GROANING)
Until then...
Whoa...
(GROANING)
What is this?
My Bedazzler. Doesn't Camille look pretty?
A Bedazzler?
And that's why I use tuna for protein and flavor.
Mmm.
- Gross. - Little liquid chickens.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
Yeah, that's my favorite.
Joe's juice.
Okay. That's enough.
I'm gonna need you to drink up.
You'll be running the 40 in under 4.5 in no time.
(EXCLAIMS)
That smells worse than school food.
You know, speaking of school, why aren't you in it?
- I'm on break. - In January? No you're not.
Yes, I am. I go to a magnet school, so I have January off.
Really? Well, guess what? I'm not on break.
As a matter of fact, I'm on the opposite of break.
So I'm gonna need you to come over here,
put some hustle in it, and drink your breakfast.
- Peyton, stop messing around. - What?
Peyton!
No!
(SCREAMING)
(SPIKE BARKING)
Nice.
That's real nice.
- You know what a playbook is? - I'm guessing it's a book with plays?
Oh, I get it. The Xs are for kisses and the Os for hugs.
Wrong! The X's mean "stay out of these areas of the house."
The O's mean "open access."
For example, you want to go to the kitchen, straight buttonhook.
But now you go to the kitchen, big X.
Off limits. No access.
Can't go there, because you made a mess in the kitchen.
Do you understand?
No trick plays, no flea-flickers. Got it?
Got it. No flea-flickers.
This is your game plan. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
COACH: That's it, boys. Practice is over.
Pick a nanny, Joe.
- I'll take the one at... - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't you think you should ask some questions first?
I've got great instincts.
The one on the end, Stella.
Edna.
The other end, Stella.
Blondie, you're up.
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, no. No.
The king picked me!
We are going to be just like sisters!
Oh, my goodness.
You start tomorrow.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hey. You're going to the opening tonight, right?
It's my restaurant.
Oh.
Well, what are you going to do with her?
I don't know.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi. Hello.
Welcome, Mr. Kingman.
- The Maloofs! - About time, there, Joe.
You made it. Have fun.
- Yeah. - Enjoy yourself.
- Hey, Joe. - Hey, man.
- How you doing? - Hey.
- Jo Jo! - Hey, nice to see you.
JOE: Hey, everything's on Joe tonight.
(LAUGHING)
And that's exactly what I said. I told them.
I said, "Listen, I'm the greatest."
The purple or the yellow?
Hmm.
Mmm?
Mmm.
That's what I was thinking, too.
I'll be back.
Water the lawn. Water the lawn.
Hey, great night, Mr. Kingman.
Indeed it was, Jay. Indeed it was.
MAN: Hey, Joe! This way!
Number one on the field and number one in your heart.
(MY GIRL PLAYING ON RADIO)
(SINGING) I've got sunshine
On a cloudy day
Yes, I do.
When it's cold outside
I've got the month of May
I guess you'd say
What can make me
feel this way
My girl
Joe?
My girl
Talking about my girl
My girl... Peyton!
(HONKING HORN)
Joe?
Joe. Joe, where are you?
There you are. Joe, I thought you forgot about me.
Peyton! Peyton! Peyton!
- MAN: Hey, Joe, is that your daughter? - Peyton!
Hey, Joe, you forget something?
MAN: Father of the year!
Yesterday, Fanny's Burgers agreed to hand out
your action figure with every order of fries.
But do you think they're going to want a spokesman
who forgot his child in a bar?
Hmm?
My mom says that Fanny's makes kids fat and gives them gas.
Well, your daddy's agent says Fanny's makes him fat with cash.
Now, I have to put together a press conference, do some cleanup.
I'm the janitor, Joe's the mop, and Peyton's the mess.
What?
(LAUGHING)
- Something funny, Larry? - Just a little throat tickle, sir.
Well, get it fixed.
Right here. Chop-chop.
You got a station wagon, Stella?
(CHUCKLES) No, you did.
Say "bye-bye" to being the Big Bad Dad of Boston.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
(CAMERAS CLICKING)
You want me to sign that?
Peyton, sweetie, be a good girl and cooperate with your daddy
and Auntie Stella will get you a nice new BlackBerry with a Bluetooth.
And an upgrade on your next international flight.
I'm eight.
Listen, Bratty McPain-in-the-Butt,
you will do whatever it takes to help your father.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'll pay for the therapy.
Listen, Peyton, what Stella's trying to say here is
this right now is crunch time.
So, if something's bothering you, then all you got to do...
Let's keep it bottled up until after the playoffs.
Fine.
On one condition.
No nanny.
(SCOFFS)
No way.
Hey...
- Let's go. Come on. - I'm feeling a little dizzy, Joe.
Everything's all...
(EXCLAIMS)
- Dizzy? - I think it might be
from that funny yellow soft drink Joe gave me last night.
What was it called again?
(MUMBLES)
Margarita?
- You wouldn't. - You wouldn't.
Try me.
(EXCLAIMING)
Good morning, Joe. I'm ready to start!
Hey, Cindy!
You're fired.
Bye.
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
Joe! Joe!
Hey, Joe, how can you remember the plays
when you can't remember you have a daughter?
Joe, what is an 8-year-old girl doing in a nightclub at 3:00 in the morning?
Thank you. Thank you guys so much for coming out.
Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so much for coming.
Great questions, by the way. Thank you.
As you all know by now, I've recently learned I'm a father.
And clearly, I'm still getting the hang of things.
MAN: That's not an excuse, Joe.
But you better believe that Peyton's nightclub evenings are behind her.
Because from now on, we're both going to be going to sleep early, right?
(CHUCKLES)
Now, who's number one on the field and number one in your heart?
Let's go.
Can I say something, please?
No. Let's go.
Hi, everybody, I'm Peyton,
the one who'll be going to bed early from now on.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
My dad didn't have much of a heads-up on this whole father thing
and he is still getting the hang of things.
But it's like everything else in his life.
He never says "no."
I mean, he's teaching me that you can do anything
if you've got motivation and determination.
And the place where that starts
is right here, in the heart.
You're the world's greatest father.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
That was good.
- That was really good. - It's going to cost you.
(GIGGLING)
MONIQUE: ...two, three, four, grand plié...
There you go, there you go.
And...
Come on, this isn't a sport.
Football. Football's a sport.
Excuse me. Hi. Can I help you?
Hello. This is Peyton.
- Hi. - And she's here for this.
So, I guess I'll be back in a couple of hours. Bye.
Well, class started 15 minutes ago,
and we don't accept students without an audition
and that happened last month, so I'm really sorry.
I'm sure maybe we can work something out?
Money's no object, as you probably know.
Okay, the thing is that this is a professional school, and...
- That's very nice. - Thank you.
Go change, go on, go change.
Let me see how she does today. Okay?
All right.
(GIRL SCREAMS)
(JOE CLEARS THROAT)
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Maybe I'II... I'll try and... We'll get somebody...
The moms sit over there.
Excuse me. Thank you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
And one, two, three, very long...
Come on, come on.
And one, two, three, four.
Open up, like a princess, chin up.
Thank you.
Beautiful class, everybody. Beautiful.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Peyton, come here. Can I tell you that that was so, so good.
Thank you.
Our next big performance is in three weeks.
But if you promise me that you're going to work extra, extra, super, super, hard,
we'd love to have you.
- I'll come every single day. - All day, every day.
Well, it is a ballet school, not a childcare facility.
And when we make a commitment to a student,
we ask that the parents make a commitment to the school.
Can you do that?
Well, I think you can make a little exception for me.
- And why is that? - You don't know who I am?
No.
(CHUCKLING)
I'm Joe kingman, baby! The quarterback of the Boston Rebels.
Number one on that field
and number one in your pretty little heart.
"The king of the Gridiron."
"Never-Say-No Joe?"
No? Nothing?
Odd.
- Well, don't you know who I am? - No.
I'm Monique Vasquez, the lady with the ballet school,
the one that doesn't accept any new students full-time
unless she knows for a fact that the parents are going to help out.
That's fine. Fine. I promise. Whatever. Let's go.
Who doesn't know who Joe kingman is?
She must be living under a rock.
- MAN ON TV: Raef will take it this time. - He shoots! Come on!
- Got it. - Yeah!
(EXCLAIMING)
I didn't see what happened to Paul Pierce.
We'll be right back
- after a word from our... - Let's go, Paul!
I can't believe they came from 10 down.
Hey, keep this clean. Use the napkins.
Don't look at me like that. Use a napkin.
Yeah, you tell him. You tell him, Spike. Mean old Daddy.
Let's get Webber.
Webber, you want a soda?
Huh?
Yeah. Yeah, thanks.
Oh...
(ALL LAUGHING)
- That's refreshing. - Good one.
What's up, Joe?
I don't know, Coop. What do you think? That's a $40,000 couch.
I asked you to be careful!
- Which bathroom should I use? - The one off the trophy room.
(SPIKE BARKS)
COOPER: Come on, Pierce!
Paul Pierce comes down with the board.
WEBBER: The man's a beast. You saw that, Joe. You saw that.
That's why the Celtics are my team for life.
Celtics got this one locked up.
Hold on, hold on...
(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)
Wait a second. Wait a minute. Little bit more.
(GROWLING)
Stop growling. Hold on. One, two, three.
What did I do?
JOE: Let's go, Paul Pierce. Time to come through.
- Okay, here we go, baby. Here we go. - Three seconds left.
(ALL CLAMORING)
GIRL ON TV: Welcome to the Magical World of Ponies.
What happened?
Get it back! Get it back! Get the game back!
Get the mechanicals!
The mechanicals. The mechanicals, Joe!
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
- What are you doing? - I'm trying! I'm trying!
It's right there. See?
MAN ON TV: Unbelievable!
(GROANING)
We missed it!
- You gotta celebrate. - Peyton.
What did I do?
Thanks, Joe. Let's go, guys.
Wait. Where are you going?
You don't have to leave. Where are you guys going?
- I got to get home to... - Where?
Nothing.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
What did I tell you about touching the remote?
Bath. Bed. Now.
Just got to add a little bit of bubble bath.
Not too much. That's good.
Perfect.
(CHUCKLES)
This could take a while.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN ON TV: But what really sets this future Hall of Famer apart...
Passion for the game.
(SPIKE BARKING)
Spike, you know the rule, no barking when I'm on TV!
Spike!
(BARKING)
Spike?
What happened?
Spike.
Peyton?
Peyton! Peyton!
(SIGHS)
Peyton!
(SPIKE BARKING)
I'm not going to yell.
We're going to have a very calm
(CLEARS THROAT)
And rational discussion
about all...
You Bedazzled my football.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(SPIKE SNORING)
You guys comfortable? My pillow.
(GROANS)
King on the couch!
This is ridiculous.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Never
say...
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
No! No!
I have to warm up.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I have to practice.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
I have a playoff game this weekend.
Do you... Do you know what that means?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
My guess is that it means you have a playoff game this weekend.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
My dog, my bed, my car, my TV, my stereo...
Is nothing sacred?
(MUMBLING)
My towel! My towel.
This is all mine! It's all me!
It's all mine! This is all me! This is my towel.
MARV: Hi, everybody, I'm Marv Albert, along with Boomer Esiason.
We're here in the Mile High City where Denver hosts Boston
in the first round of the playoffs.
In what should be a tremendous showdown.
We have a rematch of last year's Conference Final
in which Denver narrowly escaped with a 34-30 victory.
MARV: He has the tight end screen, he side-arms it.
The catch made by Cooper.
Cooper on the run, picks up a blocker.
And now, directing traffic...
Nice cut. Cooper down the sideline!
And he's bounced out of bounds!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Yeah! I did it again!
Oh, our boy looks great today.
He's going to look even greater lounging poolside
at the new Blake resort.
Let's just see how many Fanny's kiddie meals he sells first.
Fanny.
Do you work at Fanny's Burgers?
I own Fanny's Burgers, honey.
My mom says...
(EXCLAIMS)
I mean, my dad says your chili cheese fries rock.
Yeah, they do! They rock. Come on! Kick it!
MARV: Kingman out of the gun, takes a look.
He has Sanders wide open. He's not going that way.
BOOMER: Marv, I've never seen a quarterback
who doesn't trust his wide receivers
with a game on the line like this.
Touchdown! It's all over!
Boston has defeated Denver.
All on the legs of Joe Kingman,
(LAUGHING)
Boston advances to next week's divisional playoffs
for the second year in a row.
Now, will this be the year the king takes them all the way?
Peyton, are you okay? Why are you still here?
I guess Joe's running a little bit late from practice.
What, two hours late? That's unacceptable.
Come on, sweetie. Let's go.
JOE: Hey, king.
(LAUGHING)
No, I'm the king. You're the king.
(IMITATING) Don't do it, Elvis! Don't jump.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mr. Kingman?
Oh, no. Peyton.
Hey.
Yeah, I guess practice ran a little longer than expected. Thanks, Bo.
- Mr. Kingman, we need to talk about... - You know what?
Why don't you just call me Joe?
(LAUGHING)
Stop it. Stop it.
Mr. Kingman, I informed you from the start
that we are a ballet school, not a daycare center.
Yeah! I got that. Mental note.
I'm glad you told me. Now I know. Ballet school, not a daycare facility.
Sure, let me hook you up for your time, though.
Peyton, go grab a hundo out of my bag. It's in my wallet, around the corner.
(CHUCKLES)
I just knew you were one of those parents.
One of what parents?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
The kind who thinks that his life is more important than anybody else's.
Look, lady. I don't know what kind of parent I am.
All I know is I have an entire team...
Scratch that, an entire city depending on me.
Yeah, you also have a daughter depending on you
not to only take care of her, but to care about her. Okay?
- Listen, I care about Peyton. - Then prove it!
- I got it. - Hey, sweetie!
Your father here was telling me how excited he is
to finally fulfill the commitment he made to support the school.
And guess what? I've got the perfect job for him.
Cool.
No, no, no. Absolutely not. You're completely insane.
(SIGHS)
You're a freakishly large man
and you're telling me you're incapable of playing a tree? Come on.
No, what I'm telling you is I am a serious athlete.
Not a ballerina.
You do me a favor, mamita? Can you please hold this for me?
Thank you so much.
Trust me, no one is ever going to confuse you with a ballerina, okay?
And now, I need you to be an enchanted tree...
I'm not going to be an enchanted tree. I'm a quarterback!
I'm the only one that talks.
(INAUDIBLE)
(EXCLAIMS)
Up!
(GROANS)
(EXCLAIMS)
...around and... Oh, my God, no, no... Please, come over here.
(GROANING)
Wasn't so bad.
We're just warming up, so come on.
(PANTING)
(WHEEZING)
Hey, so what were you saying about ballet not being a real sport?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hmm?
It wasn't... It wasn't so bad.
You see, ballerinas can leap as high as you can,
but when they go down, they go down in plié.
And they hold and hold.
And then they go en pointe for hours and hours.
So, if ballet were easy, they'd call it football.
Yeah. Right.
Yeah, right.
Listen, Mr. Kingman,
your daughter has all the makings to be a professional dancer.
She has passion, talent, discipline.
(GIGGLES)
I guess she inherited more than just your charm.
You see?
Let's try that one again.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(ALL GROAN)
Where were you last night? You missed a great fight.
Hey, man, you look like you were in a fight.
I was doing some stuff.
Well, you could've called. You never call anymore.
Dude, stop being such a chick.
Never thought someone so little could be so much work, huh?
You don't know the half of it.
(GROANS)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Hello? - KAREN: Hi!
Listen, I finally got to a phone. I want you to tell me everything.
I don't know where to start.
How about those pictures you promised me?
E-mail me right now.
I have to see you.
Okay, hold on.
(TAPPING KEYS)
I just sent them.
You're breaking up. I love you.
Wait, wait. No, no, Peyton! Honey...
I love you, too.
(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)
We need to talk. Follow me.
(SIGHS)
I need my bed back.
Wow! That is awesome! I love it!
Love it. I love this room. This is awesome.
(EXCLAIMING)
It's beautiful.
- Thanks, Joe. - You're welcome.
Look, P, you know the whole "playbook for the house" thing?
No more buttonhooks in the kitchen.
Right. No more buttonhooks.
You see, the quarterback is supposed to know the playbook
better than anybody.
But you and I, you've been playing kid your entire life.
I just joined the dad team, and I'm still learning all these plays.
No kidding.
All right.
Listen, sometimes a quarterback has got to think on his feet
and call an audible, okay? And...
Here, this.
(CLEARS THROAT)
When the linebackers are creeping up to blitz
(CHUCKLES)
And all of a sudden you've got to call an audible
to change the play, and you go around and you score!
(EXCLAIMING)
He scores.
(SIGHS)
All right, it's kind of like, just like in life.
Sometimes things get thrown at you unexpectedly.
Then you got to call an audible.
You got to learn on the go.
- Just like us. Okay? - Okay.
Number one on the field, and number one in your heart.
- Now, number one on your toothbrush. - That's funny.
My teeth are really white.
Ding!
That's ridiculous.
No, that's not. That's awesome.
(CHATTERING ON TV)
- Joe? - Yeah?
What's the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Well, I...
(MACHINE BEEPS)
VOICE ON MACHINE: You have one incoming message.
Hold that question, all right?
JOE ON MACHINE: This is the King. Do your thing.
Hey, baby, it's Tatianna. I'm in Boston. I be there 6:00.
(BLOWS KISS)
(CHUCKLING) Tatianna!
Tatianna's coming at 6:00. I got plenty of time! It's 5:45!
Who's Tatianna?
(GROANS)
I got 15 minutes.
- Who's Tatianna? - 5:45. 5:45. 5:45.
Listen, she's a friend. I'm gonna need you to clean up all this.
Take all this, take it down, and... Hide it in your room.
And you go, too.
And you play hide-and-seek with that, and just make sure they're all gone.
(SINGING)
(HUMMING)
(SCREAMS)
PEYTON: Is Tatianna your girlfriend?
(GROANING)
Do you mind?
No, no, no, no, maybe, yes.
Hi, you must be Melanie. Joe has told me so much about you!
- I'm Tatianna. What are you? - Peyton. Joe's daughter.
Joe's daughter?
Mmm-hmm.
- How old are you anyway, four? - How old are you, 40?
- I'm 21. - Are you Joe's long-Iost daughter, too?
Joe!
(BARKS)
Bonsoir, Tatianna. Baby, welcome back!
You look trés... Gorgeous!
- I know. - I see you've already met...
(STUTTERING)
Peyton.
Peyton, yes. I don't know what she's told you.
'Cause she has such a wild imagination.
Either way, we have a lot to discuss over dinner.
Where are we eating?
You are going to eat over at the Jensens', across the hall.